Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont even know how to be here
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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