our cab driver is having phone sex.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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