I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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