When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
