"it" just moved
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
