my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
