Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
