i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
