I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
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So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
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i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom