I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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