dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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