took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
