Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
