Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
