so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
