And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
