I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
