You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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