the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She swung at the pinata with crutches
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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