I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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