You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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