Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
