Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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