I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
