why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
