Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
