I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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