I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize