I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
soo... how was my night?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
