I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
