it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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