sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
