I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
