U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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