I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
