Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just gargled with NyQuil
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
