sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
