So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
