Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
