I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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