you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
