i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
