the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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