she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm too high and old for this...
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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