I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
