i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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