I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
