If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize