In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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