Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
