I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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