shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
