Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
