Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
