jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
