last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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