I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
