One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize