my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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